Sawamish County, February 5th, 2026
A quiet afternoon in downtown Sawamish was shattered yesterday when law enforcement officials apprehended 29-year-old resident Kayla Henderson on charges of Aggravated Feigning of Interest and Impersonating an Empathetic Individual.
Witnesses say the incident occurred at roughly 2:15 PM outside a local coffee shop in downtown Cota. Henderson was reportedly cornered by an acquaintance, Gary Lumburg, who began a forty-minute monologue regarding the detailed logistics of his recent switch from separate cable packages to a bundled streaming service from Xfinity.
According to the police report, Henderson was observed nodding, maintaining eye contact, and uttering the phrase, “Wow, that’s actually really clever,” with what appeared to be genuine conviction.
“We’ve seen some sick things in this town, but this takes the cake,” said Sawamish County Sheriff Robin Banks during a press briefing. “The suspect was actively leaning in. She even asked a follow-up question about the bandwidth limitations. It was a masterclass in deception. Nobody cares about Gary’s WiFi speeds. Nobody.”
The ruse fell apart when an undercover officer noticed Henderson’s eyes glaze over for a micro-second before she quickly recovered with a tactical, “Totally, I hear you.”
“I feel violated,” said the victim, Mr. Lumburg. “She made me feel seen. She made me feel heard. I really thought she cared about the savings on the StreamSaver package. To find out she was just pretending? Now I know how Eric Clapton felt.”
If convicted, Henderson faces up to six months of community service and a mandatory seminar on “How to Walk Away Politely While Someone Is Still Talking.”
The public is advised to remain vigilant. “If someone asks to see more photos of your renovation project, call your local authorities immediately,” Sheriff Banks warned. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Sawamish County WA 